Is it me, or does it seem that the lonelier or emptier you feel, you need to fuck? You’re still empty, but you seem to think that having someone to be intimate will make it better, but it never does? For the most part, I have had control of my emotions and sexual desires, as everything was going swell in my life. When things weren’t so peachy, I immersed myself in this swingers group to make friends and fulfill some fantasies (one good fantasy, actually!) . Attending these parties fulfilled me sexually when I wanted to play, but I still walked away empty, with no friends or play partners.I knew that I was digging myself a hole in my heart, but I wanted to keep at it and see if something more could come out of those orgasms. Nothing ever did.
A few days ago, I sat down for a meditation and realized that my aura was dirty and my heart was black. Anger had tainted my spirit, so I was attracted to my shadow self and those things that was not good for me. I had to call in a few angels, but I now have a clean aura and a green heart.
My trust still isn’t there, as I played (fucked) with the intention of finding one playmate, but it didn’t happen. I also felt that the guys were feeling like I was feeling…fucking to get a ‘feeling’. It really defeated the purpose of making friends. I found them through my fetish lifestyle and me wanting to find a good BBC. I found several but none to start an emotional connection with.
I really should start believing what I already know to be true…even if you are in a group and the group is emotionally empty, you cannot be filled.
What I feel I should do is find groups that keep my aura clean and allow me to express myself via my heart chakra
. I ran into problems with my femdom work because my heart was open. I will still be a female dominant…as soon as these fetish freaks learn the definition of Goddess: a loving, stern, nurturing woman.